APDL Eductation Resources/APDL Eductation Resources.iso/text/authors/poe/lossbreath/LOSSBREATH

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                            1850
                        LOSS OF BREATH
            A Tale Neither In nor Out of "Blackwood"
                          by Edgar Allan Poe

                  O Breathe not, etc.
                                        Moore's Melodies

THE MOST notorious ill-fortune must in the end yield to the untiring
courage of philosophy- as the most stubborn city to the ceaseless
vigilance of an enemy. Shalmanezer, as we have it in holy writings, lay
three years before Samaria; yet it fell. Sardanapalus- see Diodorus-
maintained himself seven in Nineveh; but to no purpose. Troy expired at
the close of the second lustrum; and Azoth, as Aristaeus declares upon
his honour as a gentleman, opened at last her gates to Psammetichus,
after having barred them for the fifth part of a century....

"Thou wretch!- thou vixen!- thou shrew!" said I to my wife on the
morning after our wedding; "thou witch!- thou hag!- thou whippersnapper-
thou sink of iniquity!- thou fiery-faced quintessence of all that is
abominable!- thou- thou-" here standing upon tiptoe, seizing her by the
throat, and placing my mouth close to her ear, I was preparing to launch
forth a new and more decided epithet of opprobrium, which should not
fail, if ejaculated, to convince her of her insignificance, when to my
extreme horror and astonishment I discovered that I had lost my breath.

The phrases "I am out of breath," "I have lost my breath," etc., are
often enough repeated in common conversation; but it had never occurred
to me that the terrible accident of which I speak could bona fide and
actually happen! Imagine- that is if you have a fanciful turn- imagine,
I say, my wonder- my consternation- my despair!

There is a good genius, however, which has never entirely deserted me.
In my most ungovernable moods I still retain a sense of propriety, et le
chemin des passions me conduit- as Lord Edouard in the "Julie" says it
did him- a la philosophie veritable.

Although I could not at first precisely ascertain to what degree the
occurence had affected me, I determined at all events to conceal the
matter from my wife, until further experience should discover to me the
extent of this my unheard of calamity. Altering my countenance,
therefore, in a moment, from its bepuffed and distorted appearance, to
an expression of arch and coquettish benignity, I gave my lady a pat on
the one cheek, and a kiss on the other, and without saying one syllable
(Furies! I could not), left her astonished at my drollery, as I
pirouetted out of the room in a Pas de Zephyr.

Behold me then safely ensconced in my private boudoir, a fearful
instance of the ill consequences attending upon irascibility- alive,
with the qualifications of the dead- dead, with the propensities of the
living- an anomaly on the face of the earth- being very calm, yet
breathless.

Yes! breathless. I am serious in asserting that my breath was entirely
gone. I could not have stirred with it a feather if my life had been at
issue, or sullied even the delicacy of a mirror. Hard fate!- yet there
was some alleviation to the first overwhelming paroxysm of my sorrow. I
found, upon trial, that the powers of utterance which, upon my inability
to proceed in the conversation with my wife, I then concluded to be
totally destroyed, were in fact only partially impeded, and I discovered
that had I, at that interesting crisis, dropped my voice to a singularly
deep guttural, I might still have continued to her the communication of
my sentiments; this pitch of voice (the guttural) depending, I find, not
upon the current of the breath, but upon a certain spasmodic action of
the muscles of the throat.

Throwing myself upon a chair, I remained for some time absorbed in
meditation. My reflections, be sure, were of no consolatory kind. A
thousand vague and lachrymatory fancies took possesion of my soul- and
even the idea of suicide flitted across my brain; but it is a trait in
the perversity of human nature to reject the obvious and the ready, for
the far-distant and equivocal. Thus I shuddered at self-murder as the
most decided of atrocities while the tabby cat purred strenuously upon
the rug, and the very water dog wheezed assiduously under the table,
each taking to itself much merit for the strength of its lungs, and all
obviously done in derision of my own pulmonary incapacity.

Oppressed with a tumult of vague hopes and fears, I at length heard the
footsteps of my wife descending the staircase. Being now assured of her
absence, I returned with a palpitating heart to the scene of my
disaster.

Carefully locking the door on the inside, I commenced a vigorous search.
It was possible, I thought, that, concealed in some obscure corner, or
lurking in some closet or drawer, might be found the lost object of my
inquiry. It might have a vapory- it might even have a tangible form.
Most philosophers, upon many points of philosophy, are still very
unphilosophical. William Godwin, however, says in his "Mandeville," that
"invisible things are the only realities," and this, all will allow, is
a case in point. I would have the judicious reader pause before accusing
such asseverations of an undue quantum of absurdity. Anaxagoras, it will
be remembered, maintained that snow is black, and this I have since
found to be the case.

Long and earnestly did I continue the investigation: but the
contemptible reward of my industry and perseverance proved to be only a
set of false teeth, two pair of hips, an eye, and a bundle of
billets-doux from Mr. Windenough to my wife. I might as well here
observe that this confirmation of my lady's partiality for Mr. W.
occasioned me little uneasiness. That Mrs. Lackobreath should admire
anything so dissimilar to myself was a natural and necessary evil. I am,
it is well known, of a robust and corpulent appearance, and at the same
time somewhat diminutive in stature. What wonder, then, that the
lath-like tenuity of my acquaintance, and his altitude, which has grown
into a proverb, should have met with all due estimation in the eyes of
Mrs. Lackobreath. But to return.

My exertions, as I have before said, proved fruitless. Closet after
closet- drawer after drawer- corner after corner- were scrutinized to no
purpose. At one time, however, I thought myself sure of my prize,
having, in rummaging a dressing-case, accidentally demolished a bottle
of Grandjean's Oil of Archangels- which, as an agreeable perfume, I here
take the liberty of recommending.

With a heavy heart I returned to my boudoir- there to ponder upon some
method of eluding my wife's penetration, until I could make arrangements
prior to my leaving the country, for to this I had already made up my
mind. In a foreign climate, being unknown, I might, with some
probability of success, endeavor to conceal my unhappy calamity- a
calamity calculated, even more than beggary, to estrange the affections
of the multitude, and to draw down upon the wretch the well-merited
indignation of the virtuous and the happy. I was not long in hesitation.
Being naturally quick, I committed to memory the entire tragedy of
"Metamora." I had the good fortune to recollect that in the accentuation
of this drama, or at least of such portion of it as is allotted to the
hero, the tones of voice in which I found myself deficient were
altogether unnecessary, and the deep guttural was expected to reign
monotonously throughout.

I practised for some time by the borders of a well frequented marsh;-
herein, however, having no reference to a similar proceeding of
Demosthenes, but from a design peculiarly and conscientiously my own.
Thus armed at all points, I determined to make my wife believe that I
was suddenly smitten with a passion for the stage. In this, I succeeded
to a miracle; and to every question or suggestion found myself at
liberty to reply in my most frog-like and sepulchral tones with some
passage from the tragedy- any portion of which, as I soon took great
pleasure in observing, would apply equally well to any particular
subject. It is not to be supposed, however, that in the delivery of such
passages I was found at all deficient in the looking asquint- the
showing my teeth- the working my knees- the shuffling my feet- or in any
of those unmentionable graces which are now justly considered the
characteristics of a popular performer. To be sure they spoke of
confining me in a strait-jacket- but, good God! they never suspected me
of having lost my breath.

Having at length put my affairs in order, I took my seat very early one
morning in the mail stage for --, giving it to be understood, among my
acquaintances, that business of the last importance required my
immediate personal attendance in that city.

The coach was crammed to repletion; but in the uncertain twilight the
features of my companions could not be distinguished. Without making any
effectual resistance, I suffered myself to be placed between two
gentlemen of colossal dimensions; while a third, of a size larger,
requesting pardon for the liberty he was about to take, threw himself
upon my body at full length, and falling asleep in an instant, drowned
all my guttural ejaculations for relief, in a snore which would have put
to blush the roarings of the bull of Phalaris. Happily the state of my
respiratory faculties rendered suffocation an accident entirely out of
the question.

As, however, the day broke more distinctly in our approach to the
outskirts of the city, my tormentor, arising and adjusting his
shirt-collar, thanked me in a very friendly manner for my civility.
Seeing that I remained motionless (all my limbs were dislocated and my
head twisted on one side), his apprehensions began to be excited; and
arousing the rest of the passengers, he communicated, in a very decided
manner, his opinion that a dead man had been palmed upon them during the
night for a living and responsible fellow-traveller; here giving me a
thump on the right eye, by way of demonstrating the truth of his
suggestion.

Hereupon all, one after another (there were nine in company), believed
it their duty to pull me by the ear. A young practising physician, too,
having applied a pocket-mirror to my mouth, and found me without breath,
the assertion of my persecutor was pronounced a true bill; and the whole
party expressed a determination to endure tamely no such impositions for
the future, and to proceed no farther with any such carcasses for the
present.

I was here, accordingly, thrown out at the sign of the "Crow" (by which
tavern the coach happened to be passing), without meeting with any
farther accident than the breaking of both my arms, under the left hind
wheel of the vehicle. I must besides do the driver the justice to state
that he did not forget to throw after me the largest of my trunks,
which, unfortunately falling on my head, fractured my skull in a manner
at once interesting and extraordinary.

The landlord of the "Crow," who is a hospitable man, finding that my
trunk contained sufficient to indemnify him for any little trouble he
might take in my behalf, sent forthwith for a surgeon of his
acquaintance, and delivered me to his care with a bill and receipt for
ten dollars.

The purchaser took me to his apartments and commenced operations
immediately. Having cut off my ears, however, he discovered signs of
animation. He now rang the bell, and sent for a neighboring apothecary
with whom to consult in the emergency. In case of his suspicions with
regard to my existence proving ultimately correct, he, in the meantime,
made an incision in my stomach, and removed several of my viscera for
private dissection.

The apothecary had an idea that I was actually dead. This idea I
endeavored to confute, kicking and plunging with all my might, and
making the most furious contortions- for the operations of the surgeon
had, in a measure, restored me to the possession of my faculties. All,
however, was attributed to the effects of a new galvanic battery,
wherewith the apothecary, who is really a man of information, performed
several curious experiments, in which, from my personal share in their
fulfillment, I could not help feeling deeply interested. It was a course
of mortification to me, nevertheless, that although I made several
attempts at conversation, my powers of speech were so entirely in
abeyance, that I could not even open my mouth; much less, then, make
reply to some ingenious but fanciful theories of which, under other
circumstances, my minute acquaintance with the Hippocratian pathology
would have afforded me a ready confutation.

Not being able to arrive at a conclusion, the practitioners remanded me
for farther examination. I was taken up into a garret; and the surgeon's
lady having accommodated me with drawers and stockings, the surgeon
himself fastened my hands, and tied up my jaws with a
pocket-handkerchief- then bolted the door on the outside as he hurried
to his dinner, leaving me alone to silence and to meditation.

I now discovered to my extreme delight that I could have spoken had not
my mouth been tied up with the pocket-handkerchief. Consoling myself
with this reflection, I was mentally repeating some passages of the
"Omnipresence of the Deity," as is my custom before resigning myself to
sleep, when two cats, of a greedy and vituperative turn, entering at a
hole in the wall, leaped up with a flourish a la Catalani, and alighting
opposite one another on my visage, betook themselves to indecorous
contention for the paltry consideration of my nose.

But, as the loss of his ears proved the means of elevating to the throne
of Cyrus, the Magian or Mige-Gush of Persia, and as the cutting off his
nose gave Zopyrus possession of Babylon, so the loss of a few ounces of
my countenance proved the salvation of my body. Aroused by the pain, and
burning with indignation, I burst, at a single effort, the fastenings
and the bandage. Stalking across the room I cast a glance of contempt at
the belligerents, and throwing open the sash to their extreme horror and
disappointment, precipitated myself, very dexterously, from the window.
this moment passing from the city jail to the scaffold erected for his
execution in the suburbs. His extreme infirmity and long continued ill
health had obtained him the privilege of remaining unmanacled; and
habited in his gallows costume- one very similar to my own,- he lay at
full length in the bottom of the hangman's cart (which happened to be
under the windows of the surgeon at the moment of my precipitation)
without any other guard than the driver, who was asleep, and two
recruits of the sixth infantry, who were drunk.

As ill-luck would have it, I alit upon my feet within the vehicle.
immediately, he bolted out behind, and turning down an alley, was out of
sight in the twinkling of an eye. The recruits, aroused by the bustle,
could not exactly comprehend the merits of the transaction. Seeing,
however, a man, the precise counterpart of the felon, standing upright
in the cart before their eyes, they were of (so they expressed
themselves,) and, having communicated this opinion to one another, they
took each a dram, and then knocked me down with the butt-ends of their
muskets.

It was not long ere we arrived at the place of destination. Of course
nothing could be said in my defence. Hanging was my inevitable fate. I
resigned myself thereto with a feeling half stupid, half acrimonious.
Being little of a cynic, I had all the sentiments of a dog. The hangman,
however, adjusted the noose about my neck. The drop fell.

I forbear to depict my sensations upon the gallows; although here,
undoubtedly, I could speak to the point, and it is a topic upon which
nothing has been well said. In fact, to write upon such a theme it is
necessary to have been hanged. Every author should confine himself to
matters of experience. Thus Mark Antony composed a treatise upon getting
drunk.

I may just mention, however, that die I did not. My body was, but I had
no breath to be, suspended; and but for the knot under my left ear
(which had the feel of a military stock) I dare say that I should have
experienced very little inconvenience. As for the jerk given to my neck
upon the falling of the drop, it merely proved a corrective to the twist
afforded me by the fat gentleman in the coach.

For good reasons, however, I did my best to give the crowd the worth of
their trouble. My convulsions were said to be extraordinary. My spasms
it would have been difficult to beat. The populace encored. Several
gentlemen swooned; and a multitude of ladies were carried home in
hysterics. Pinxit availed himself of the opportunity to retouch, from a
sketch taken upon the spot, his admirable painting of the "Marsyas
flayed alive."

When I had afforded sufficient amusement, it was thought proper to
remove my body from the gallows;- this the more especially as the real
culprit had in the meantime been retaken and recognized, a fact which I
was so unlucky as not to know.

Much sympathy was, of course, exercised in my behalf, and as no one made
claim to my corpse, it was ordered that I should be interred in a public
vault.

Here, after due interval, I was deposited. The sexton departed, and I
was left alone. A line of Marston's "Malcontent"-

      Death's a good fellow and keeps open house-

struck me at that moment as a palpable lie.

I knocked off, however, the lid of my coffin, and stepped out. The place
was dreadfully dreary and damp, and I became troubled with ennui. By way
of amusement, I felt my way among the numerous coffins ranged in order
around. I lifted them down, one by one, and breaking open their lids,
busied myself in speculations about the mortality within.

"This," I soliloquized, tumbling over a carcass, puffy, bloated, and
rotund- "this has been, no doubt, in every sense of the word, an
unhappy- an unfortunate man. It has been his terrible lot not to walk
but to waddle- to pass through life not like a human being, but like an
elephant- not like a man, but like a rhinoceros.

"His attempts at getting on have been mere abortions, and his
circumgyratory proceedings a palpable failure. Taking a step forward, it
has been his misfortune to take two toward the right, and three toward
the left. His studies have been confined to the poetry of Crabbe. He can
have no idea of the wonder of a pirouette. To him a pas de papillon has
been an abstract conception. He has never ascended the summit of a hill.
He has never viewed from any steeple the glories of a metropolis. Heat
has been his mortal enemy. In the dog-days his days have been the days
of a dog. Therein, he has dreamed of flames and suffocation- of
mountains upon mountains- of Pelion upon Ossa. He was short of breath-
to say all in a word, he was short of breath. He thought it extravagant
to play upon wind instruments. He was the inventor of self-moving fans,
wind-sails, and ventilators. He patronized Du Pont the bellows-maker,
and he died miserably in attempting to smoke a cigar. His was a case in
which I feel a deep interest- a lot in which I sincerely sympathize.

"But here,"- said I- "here"- and I dragged spitefully from its
receptacle a gaunt, tall and peculiar-looking form, whose remarkable
appearance struck me with a sense of unwelcome familiarity- "here is a
wretch entitled to no earthly commiseration." Thus saying, in order to
obtain a more distinct view of my subject, I applied my thumb and
forefinger to its nose, and causing it to assume a sitting position upon
the ground, held it thus, at the length of my arm, while I continued my
soliloquy.

-"Entitled," I repeated, "to no earthly commiseration. Who indeed would
think of compassioning a shadow? Besides, has he not had his full share
of the blessings of mortality? He was the originator of tall monuments-
shot-towers- lightning-rods- Lombardy poplars. His treatise upon "Shades
and Shadows" has immortalized him. He edited with distinguished ability
the last edition of "South on the Bones." He went early to college and
studied pneumatics. He then came home, talked eternally, and played upon
the French-horn. He patronized the bagpipes. Captain Barclay, who walked
against Time, would not walk against him. Windham and Allbreath were his
favorite writers,- his favorite artist, Phiz. He died gloriously while
inhaling gas- levique flatu corrupitur, like the fama pudicitae in
Hieronymus.* He was indubitably a"-


*Tenera res in feminis fama pudicitiae, et quasi flos pulcherrimus, cito
ad levem marcessit auram, levique flatu corrumpitur, maxime, &c.-
Hieronymus ad Salvinam.


"How can you?- how- can- you?"- interrupted the object of my
animadversions, gasping for breath, and tearing off, with a desperate
exertion, the bandage around its jaws- "how can you, Mr. Lackobreath, be
so infernally cruel as to pinch me in that manner by the nose? Did you
not see how they had fastened up my mouth- and you must know- if you
know any thing- how vast a superfluity of breath I have to dispose of!
If you do not know, however, sit down and you shall see. In my situation
it is really a great relief to be able to open ones mouth- to be able to
expatiate- to be able to communicate with a person like yourself, who do
not think yourself called upon at every period to interrupt the thread
of a gentleman's discourse. Interruptions are annoying and should
undoubtedly be abolished- don't you think so?- no reply, I beg you,- one
person is enough to be speaking at a time.- I shall be done by and by,
and then you may begin.- How the devil sir, did you get into this
place?- not a word I beseech you- been here some time myself- terrible
accident!- heard of it, I suppose?- awful calamity!- walking under your
windows- some short while ago- about the time you were stage-struck-
horrible occurrence!- heard of "catching one's breath," eh?- hold your
tongue I tell you!- I caught somebody elses!- had always too much of my
own- met Blab at the corner of the street- wouldn't give me a chance for
a word- couldn't get in a syllable edgeways- attacked, consequently,
with epilepsis- Blab made his escape- damn all fools!- they took me up
for dead, and put me in this place- pretty doings all of them!- heard
all you said about me- every word a lie- horrible!- wonderful-
outrageous!- hideous!- incomprehensible!- et cetera- et cetera- et
cetera- et cetera-"

It is impossible to conceive my astonishment at so unexpected a
discourse, or the joy with which I became gradually convinced that the
breath so fortunately caught by the gentleman (whom I soon recognized as
my neighbor Windenough) was, in fact, the identical expiration mislaid
by myself in the conversation with my wife. Time, place, and
circumstances rendered it a matter beyond question. I did not at least
during the long period in which the inventor of Lombardy poplars
continued to favor me with his explanations.

In this respect I was actuated by that habitual prudence which has ever
been my predominating trait. I reflected that many difficulties might
still lie in the path of my preservation which only extreme exertion on
my part would be able to surmount. Many persons, I considered, are prone
to estimate commodities in their possession- however valueless to the
then proprietor- however troublesome, or distressing- in direct ratio
with the advantages to be derived by others from their attainment, or by
themselves from their abandonment. Might not this be the case with Mr.
Windenough? In displaying anxiety for the breath of which he was at
present so willing to get rid, might I not lay myself open to the
exactions of his avarice? There are scoundrels in this world, I
remembered with a sigh, who will not scruple to take unfair
opportunities with even a next door neighbor, and (this remark is from
Epictetus) it is precisely at that time when men are most anxious to
throw off the burden of their own calamities that they feel the least
desirous of relieving them in others.

Upon considerations similar to these, and still retaining my grasp upon
the nose of Mr. W., I accordingly thought proper to model my reply.

"Monster!" I began in a tone of the deepest indignation- "monster and
double-winded idiot!- dost thou, whom for thine iniquities it has
pleased heaven to accurse with a two-fold respimtion- dost thou, I say,
presume to address me in the familiar language of an old acquaintance?-
'I lie,' forsooth! and 'hold my tongue,' to be sure!- pretty
conversation indeed, to a gentleman with a single breath!- all this,
too, when I have it in my power to relieve the calamity under which thou
dost so justly suffer- to curtail the superfluities of thine unhappy
respiration."

Like Brutus, I paused for a reply- with which, like a tornado, Mr.
Windenough immediately overwhelmed me. Protestation followed upon
protestation, and apology upon apology. There were no terms with which
he was unwilling to comply, and there were none of which I failed to
take the fullest advantage.

Preliminaries being at length arranged, my acquaintance delivered me the
respiration; for which (having carefully examined it) I gave him
afterward a receipt.

I am aware that by many I shall be held to blame for speaking in a
manner so cursory, of a transaction so impalpable. It will be thought
that I should have entered more minutely, into the details of an
occurrence by which- and this is very true- much new light might be
thrown upon a highly interesting branch of physical philosophy.

To all this I am sorry that I cannot reply. A hint is the only answer
which I am permitted to make. There were circumstances- but I think it
much safer upon consideration to say as little as possible about an
affair so delicate- so delicate, I repeat, and at the time involving the
interests of a third party whose sulphurous resentment I have not the
least desire, at this moment, of incurring.

We were not long after this necessary arrangement in effecting an escape
from the dungeons of the sepulchre. The united strength of our
resuscitated voices was soon sufficiently apparent. Scissors, the Whig
editor, republished a treatise upon "the nature and origin of
subterranean noises." A reply- rejoinder- confutation- and
justification- followed in the columns of a Democratic Gazette. It was
not until the opening of the vault to decide the controversy, that the
appearance of Mr. Windenough and myself proved both parties to have been
decidedly in the wrong.

I cannot conclude these details of some very singular passages in a life
at all times sufficiently eventful, without again recalling to the
attention of the reader the merits of that indiscriminate philosophy
which is a sure and ready shield against those shafts of calamity which
can neither be seen, felt nor fully understood. It was in the spirit of
this wisdom that, among the ancient Hebrews, it was believed the gates
of Heaven would be inevitably opened to that sinner, or saint, who, with
good lungs and implicit confidence, should vociferate the word "Amen!"
It was in the spirit of this wisdom that, when a great plague raged at
Athens, and every means had been in vain attempted for its removal,
Epimenides, as Laertius relates, in his second book, of that
philosopher, advised the erection of a shrine and temple "to the proper
God."

                                        LYTTLETON BARRY.



                                 -THE END-